1.) This mysterious Carol of Christmas Last night was opening night for Christmas Carol. Things went well. Very well, as a matter of fact. Aside from a few technical issues that need cleaned up, it really went a lot better than I thought it would. This is a good thing because A.- if you had asked me how it was going on our second dress rehearsal I would've rolled my eyes, sighed a lot, and probably said something vaguely (if not directly) profane. B.- It still can get tons better, and by closing night, we're going to bring that building down on top of us. 2.) I really hate women (present company excluded, of course) "The girl" is my makeup person. Which is good, in that she's speaking to me again on a semi-social level. But unfortunately, the seed of paranoia has already been planted, and all I want to do is whine and pout and complain at her and about her. Which oddly enough gets me in the mood to play a bitter old man rather well. So it's working out. Probably not the healthiest way to get into character, but one makes due. The said paranoia has led to some bizarre nerd-dreams lately. Today, during an ill-advised couch pass-out I dreamed that the girl was cast on an episode of Smallville. But in that odd way that only makes sense in dreams, the TV show was a TV show but was also a reality. So I watched with horror as she and John Glover plotted to kill me. I seriously need a vacation. Well... maybe not. I've had a lot of those lately. Booze hasn't helped either. Was thinking about returning to "God's little forget-me herb" but I'm afraid if I do, it might wipe out my lines for the show. Wouldn't be the first time. Sex... the idea just kind of makes me ill right now. Food... I already kind of kicked the comfort-food habit earlier this year, and I'd hate to go back to it. Gambling... might help, but I don't have the money for it. I need SOMETHING. Just not sure what. In the interest of being totally honest... I have been smoking a little bit. But not so much that I don't still have a handle on it. I'll stop after the show is over and I can throw myself into work. 3.) I call it "Tyson Applause" There was a guy at the College over the last few years, that was both the jewel of the department, and the most hated man in the theater. This is because the guy was talented, successful, and new the exact ass to kiss and where to kiss it. Basically he knew what the acting game was about, and it paid off over the summer as he was snatched up by a prety prestigious summer-stock troupe after he graduated. However, he paid dearly for not playing the COLLEGE game. He only applied to two transfer programs for his BFA, but wasn't accepted at either. Tyson got a plum role in just about every show he tried out for. He was the singing candlestick in Beauty and the Beast. He was the title character in Sweeney Todd. He was the drunken best friend in Brigadoon. He was the evil Duke of Cornwall in King Lear. A lot of people didn't like him. They found him to be womanizing, egotistical, and unrepentant in his criticism of others. Which was all true. It's also why I personally liked the guy. He was the only one that was straight and honest with me. Some would say that he was only honest as a way of making him feel better by criticizing others. If that was the case... I don't care. I was just as honest with him as he was with me. Point being, the guy also knew how to work an audience. And low-and-behold everytime the guy hit the stage during a curtain call, the audience's applause would swell and the crowd would whoop and holler. It's happened to many of the people in the program (myself included), especially on nights where their friends and family were in the crowd. I always called it Tyson applause though, because that guy could get it from complete strangers, no matter what. But last night, I think I knew about 6 people total in the crowd of over one hundred. However, when I hit the stage... I got it. It felt amazing. I want more. I'm such an attention whore. That's all it is really. I want attention from my classes. From the people in the show. From women. From complete strangers in the crowd. 4.) Fuck Money. I was turned down for the Pell Grant. I'm losing my theater scholarship because I dropped too many classes. Good news is that I'm working a regular shift again. So, I'll be able to pay out of pocket... which will suck... but I'm so sick of dealing with the financial aid people, it's almost a relief. X.) In Summ... I stood backstage. Opening night. The news of my Pell Grant still stinging like tearing off a bandaid. Furthermore, the knowledge that I was losing my scholarship chewing on the back of my head. The damned girl running herself like a faucet that spouts hot and cold at random, while she applies my bald cap. On top of it all, I know my parents will never get to see this performance. I'm near tears, quite honestly. I want to cry, I really do. But I can't. Lights up. Cue Scrooge. After it all. I drank in the applause, rode my high horse to the back stage area. Take a long time getting my make up off and my face cleaned. High five various cast members. Then, as I'm slowly brought back to reality, my mood comes down and people ask what's wrong. I don't want to explain it all again. Not to these people anyway. They're nice enough, but they've got their own shit to deal with without turning my shit into some kind of drama that they can wrap themselves up in as well. I check out with my costumer (who also happens to be "the girl") and walk back to the truck. It's snowing and roads are shit. It will all happen again later this week. In a sick, sad way... I can't wait. 
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